Friday, August 14, 2015

Lost Friendships

I'm sure everyone has lost a friendship before.

Some just fade away, some you out grow. You move on to different parts of your life or move to different states and things just fizzle out. Even though this is often sad and painful, it's easier for me to accept because I understand it's no one's fault - life just happens.  What does bother me - deeply bother me - is when a friend blatantly rejects you.

This is what happened to me with a friend I had had from the time we were in diapers together all the way through high school. We shared sleep overs, giggles, secrets, long phone calls, and fun times. Even though I could feel that we were growing apart our senior year of high school, as we were both choosing different paths for our lives, I was not prepared for her to simply refuse to talk to me when we started college.

I texted her several times the first few weeks. We had told each other when we were moving in and when our first day of classes was at the beginning of August, so I texted her on those big days to wish her well but got no reply. At first I thought it was just the business and craziness of the first few weeks of school, but as the weeks turned into months I realized it was something a little more. When we finally saw each other over winter break, it was the most awkward encounter I've ever had with a "friend" and it truly broke my heart to realize our friendship was really over.

It's been 3 years now since our friendship abruptly ended, and even though I don't think about it all the time anymore, I still feel really bitter, angry, and jealous when I see pictures of her and her new friends on Facebook. It's like it just twists the knife in my heart to see that now she's having fun and making memories with these new people after she threw away our friendship.

I wonder if they're better than me somehow. Are they prettier than me? Are they more fun to be around? Why wasn't I a good enough friend to keep around?

I still have no idea what ended our friendship. We had been talking right up to the last couple days before school started. We didn't have a blowout fight or any big catastrophe happen - she just stopped replying to my text messages and ignoring my attempts to rekindle our friendship over those first few months of college. You probably think I should just ask what happened, but I just can't muster up the strength or courage to ask for fear that it will break my heart even more.

I wrote this hoping to get rid of my feelings of bitterness, because it's really not healthy to harbor negative feelings.  I hoped writing this would help me sort out these feelings and allow me to let it go. Although it helps to get it out, I know I still haven't let it go. I just don't know how to move on from something that meant so much to me.

And I guess right now it worries me that it will happen again as I have a friend leaving to student teach next semester, all my friends will be graduating at the end of the year, and I'll be moving back to Nebraska to student teach. I'm worried that as they start these new adventures, they'll forget about me and I'll have to go through this heartbreak again.

See? It's not healthy to hold on to these feelings of hurt and bitterness. I'm taking what happened with one wonderful, close friendship and projecting it on to all of the amazing friendships I've made in college.

And I should know it's not true. I've had friends transfer and friends who attend school halfway across the country and even though we don't speak to each other daily anymore, we still send each other messages and love hearing from each other. We still value the friendships we've created with each other and still care about how each other is doing in life.

So I'll ask you, my lovely reader, have you ever lost an important friendship like this? How did/do you deal with it?

Related Post: Changes and Possibilities